The butterfly is beautiful and elusive

Moving with the wind beneath her wings

People like to watch her and love her from afar

Then there are those who think they should capture her and put her on a shelf

She doesn't like being on a shelf, she's meant to fly

This builds distrust

What she wants is someone to fly with her... side by side

Do you every stop feeling the loss of your daddy? I've been in a mellow mood, yes another birthday coming. No, I'm not sad because of the aging thing, that's great! I'm sad because I'm always remnded of what I still long for but can't have. I know at this point in my life I should have gotten use to the loss but honestly I just haven't, I'm really not sure I ever will. Now that I've reconnected with my bio mom I can ask those questions of what were those few months like? Yes, how many months were there really? So it looks like I had my dad for four months before he left for Germany and when he came back he was broken. Yes, broken, it's the best way I think to describe someone who's there but not. So I had my dad in one piece for a few months and I've missed him my whole life. And I can't even remember those few months because I was a new born. Kinda twisted at best.

So I ponder when will the void heal? or will it go to the grave with me? I know it's a small thing to lose when so many people have even less. But it sill hurts after all these years. And I know first hand that no one else can replace your daddy no matter how much you want them to. I'll have another birthday and a good cry, have to own those emotions ya know, and try not to feel this way till the next holiday.

All you men out there with daughters, don't forget you really do matter in their life. It's just a pure and simple fact of life, every daughter needs to be a Daddy's Girl!

So you've been journaling for years now and you have the books accumulated in some corner.... they've served their purpose of dealing with the day to day stress, does that mean they are now trash or a potential novel?  After eight years of journaling I decided to take a trip down memory lane and see if there was anything to be gained from exploring the adventure on a more intimate level.

I must honestly say that I was surprised by what I've found thus far!  I didn't know how far I'd come in my journey.  I tend to push myself and well have been known to be hyper-crtical of my shortcomings, yet I had to give myself a great deal of credit for how far I'd come.  Granted I've only read through two years worth of journals so far but these are some of highlights from my reflection.

Yes, my soul is so very very tired.... How does a soul take a nap?  Yes, how does it.  I keep trying to find some rest, something that will reignite the normal person I am.  I just can't quiet seem to find her.  I'm have a lull in the business and that is of course stressful and yet, I'm so tired from the inside out that I can't quiet seem to find a spark.  I know I've had a planety shift of late and it feels so very very different.  Far to mellow for me.