Reflections

Reflections of The Life We Used to Have

Reflections

“Reflections of The way life used to be…”

  • Lost Dreams – The regrets we die with.
  • Lost Loved Ones – Living with the holes left by loved ones who have died.
  • Lost Me – That moment when you realize you are still you but trapped in an old body.

It seems like all of these stockpiles as we age and at some point, the price is kinda high and can definitely pull us towards the rabbit hole. I can honestly say when all mine hit at one time I lived right on the rabbit hole and still haven’t fully found my way back.

The one thing I can see clearly now is that your network of friends is so very important at this place. It’s especially nice if you have some of the people who have known you a long time who can remind you of you. New relationships at this point are just harder to embrace, it’s like a meal without seasoning, it tastes okay but it’s missing some flavor and well it’s the flavor that makes the meal.

Finding things that give you pleasure are vital, it doesn’t matter if they are productive or useful, just fun. Our culture as a whole sucks the fun out of everything so you have to really fight that wholeheartedly. I mean seriously, this work till you drop nonsense is just annoying, buy everything, do everything, and be everything. I promise you somewhere in time you’ll have a moment of realization that none of the shit you thought was important matters at all. The sooner you figure that out the sooner you’ll make better decisions. And this will require pushing against mainstream marketing, which is hard.

How do we deal with regrets productively? Look at each of them separately, visualize them happening all the way down. Do you prefer that outcome to what you have? Is it changeable, what would you have lost if you had taken that path. And no don’t polish this all up as perfect, it wouldn’t have been so get real with it. I know I have beat myself up heavily for decisions I made that I can see clearly now were just stupid. But I had to make the trip to figure out it was stupid so alas it was the journey I had to take. Annoying but true. Are there things on your regrets list that you could do now, fix, address? So now, if that’s a yes, explore it. Odds are high you really might not care as much as you’ve lead yourself to believe. Little lies we tell ourselves you know. Grieve and bury what is left if you can’t change it or pursue it.

Some ways, write it down on a piece of paper and burn it, give yourself a ritual. Whatever resonates with you, I like the fire element but there are others. Plant it in the garden let something grow from it. But honor it.

Grieving the loss of a loved one is well the most insanely odd experience I’ve ever had. I think this sums it up best “Waves of Grief“. Seriously, I read that after my Dad died and it was so spot on. Grief doesn’t “finish” it just eases with time and you manage it. I’d say that at least the first three months after the loss, well, you don’t think clearly. I don’t remember those three months which sounds insane but I was on autopilot 100%. The thing that I found that got me through was finding my ground, that kept me functioning until I got to the next level. I found keeping busy with mundane things super helpful. When I was home for that week dealing with my Father’s affairs, I cleaned out my cousin’s garage. As insane is it sounds it was so what I needed, the physical aspect exhausted me so I could sleep and the act of something easy and logical was soothing. My highest recommendation is to keep physically busy!

And to everyone, have your affairs in order the best you can because who’s left behind to handle things “AREN’T THINKING CLEARLY”. It’s so hard to deal with. I was the executor for my Father’s estate and I had no idea how hard it would be to manage his affairs and my grief at the same time. And I am a very strong woman. It amazes me how loved ones can be so selfish in this regard if you love this person to help them and prepare.

Which brings me now to the loss of me. Society says grow up, I say hogwash. I know I’m not the same person I was, I know I can’t go back to who I was, I know there are still pieces of me that are missing… I don’t have an answer for this yet, I’m still trying to sort it out, but I firmly believe having your friends and having fun matter a great deal. And reflecting on who I’ve been and finding a way to have me in an altered body. Oh and laugh and giggle, it’s surprisingly pleasant.

MY SOUL HAS A HAT

I counted my years
& realized that I have
Less time to live by,
Than I have lived so far.

I feel like a child who won a pack of candies: at first he ate them with pleasure
But when he realized that there was little left, he began to taste them intensely.

I have no time for endless meetings
where the statutes, rules, procedures & internal regulations are discussed,
knowing that nothing will be done.

I no longer have the patience
To stand absurd people who,
despite their chronological age,
have not grown up.

My time is too short:
I want the essence,
my spirit is in a hurry.
I do not have much candy
In the package anymore.

I want to live next to humans,
very realistic people who know
How to laugh at their mistakes,
Who are not inflated by their own triumphs
& who take responsibility for their actions.
In this way, human dignity is defended
and we live in truth and honesty.

It is the essentials that make life useful.
I want to surround myself with people
who know how to touch the hearts of those whom hard strokes of life
have learned to grow with sweet touches of the soul.

Yes, I’m in a hurry.
I’m in a hurry to live with the intensity that only maturity can give.
I do not intend to waste any of the remaining desserts.

I am sure they will be exquisite,
much more than those eaten so far.
My goal is to reach the end satisfied
and at peace with my loved ones and my conscience.

We have two lives
& the second begins when you realize you only have one.

Mario de Andrade (San Paolo 1893-1945) Poet, novelist, essayist and musicologist