The Loss Of A Father
The Loss Of A Father
I’ve found over the years that the only man in your life that will give to you without asking for anything in return to a woman is their father and perhaps their grandfathers. If you have not been given this gift well you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’ll spend the rest of your life learning how to do everything on your own, get rich so you can pay someone to do what you need or you basically pay with your body and emotions. You will find a few male friends that will help you to some degree but it’s never fully what you want or need, when you need it.
I think this is one of the many reasons women stay in relationships and marry. Being on your own can be exhausting and certainly not kind to your bank account. Our society’s systems do now allow being single and childless without penalty. You would think that we might have evolved farther than that by the Twenty-First Century, but you would be mistaken.
I’m reminded of these things as I watch new neighbors move in and renovate their houses with their two/three children and in their thirties. Dual income, check, children, check, let’s playhouse, check….. This brings me back to fathers, the effect it has on all the women that have that missing component. I’ve met so many women who take that for granted until their father passed away. They grieve that new loss as I have my whole life. I’ve never had someone to call when something breaks, goes wrong, general help… so if you don’t have that free Dad help, you have to pay.
The paying is the exhaustion, the part that slowly destroys you. Because you are reminded every single day of what you did not have the luxury of having. I was not aware of the feelings that I’d had my whole life was grief until I experienced the traditional form of grieving from someone dying. It finally explained why the weariness weighs on my shoulders so heavily.
I hear with time grief becomes easier but I think that’s a lie to soothe our weary souls. No one and nothing fills those holes that are laid bare. You can try to fill them up but honestly, it’s just a placebo. All I know is that I can’t call for help from someone who’s not there. Which brings me back the options to deal with not having a father: to learn how to do everything on your own, pay with money or pay with your body and emotions.
I’ve tried all the paths. The one I lean into most often is to learn to do it myself. Paying for it with money, well that gets very expensive and often just isn’t an option at all. Paying with your body and emotions, you can only do that when you are younger and have the assets to fully offer. Men will do a lot if you pop out one of their spawn. If you are post-menopause well, sorry the jigs up you better have gotten rich if not you’ll be learning to do it yourself.
So you are probably saying but I have great friends and a strong community that helps pick up the slack. Yep, I’m sure you do, so have I, but there are rules on how to ask and get help from the males in those circles, I promise you!
If you have couple friends as a single woman you are a rare beast, there seems to be this weeding of the herd based on your relationship status. If you are very attractive, well the wives aren’t going to want you around their husbands so much. Now you need to come at any ask for assistance properly, first understand that the wife already has a honey-do list she’s working him through. Lending him out cuts into that fully, as such you must pay homage to this by asking her for the assistance, not the husband. She will decide and discuss it with him. Pure and simple it’s a big ask on any level. This is why it’s so important that you think whether this need is high enough for that level of ask. You don’t want to have to ask for help too often or you’ll be weeded out of the herd.
Single male friends, those are always entertaining, to say the least, if there’s no sex on the table well that’s a full-on crapshoot on if you get help and if it’s timely. You have no leverage on this whatsoever so don’t bank on these guys if something better comes along (i.e. they might get sex) you’ll be canceled or moved down on the list of cares.
This is why being a strong woman who’s learned how to do many, many things on their own gets the most done with the least amount of drama. It is also why as we get older well we’re straight up exhausted and so completely tired of men.
The moral of this story is fathers are important for women to have because they really do impact daughters on so many levels. If you are a good man who wants to love a woman that never had a father understand they don’t expect you to come through, they won’t trust your words only your actions, and your broken promises will hurt tenfold. If you can’t fully be there don’t go.